Sunday, July 22, 2012

Rollin' on the River


“We do not recommend tubing barefoot”, shared the driver from BarefootTubing who was dropping us off where we were starting our river tubing adventure. Something seemed inconsistent about his comment, given the name of the company he worked for. But after chastising me mercilessly, he went right into showing us how to safely navigate the river so I listened carefully through my tears of bare feet induced shame.

“Stay out of the trees and brush along the banks. Help your buddies if they get stuck in the trees and brush along the bank.” More inconsistencies. I decided I could forgive him the inconsistencies if he made me feel like we would be safe…
“9 out of 10 tubers survive the rapids so best to determine early on the one who won’t make it so you can enjoy the rest of your ride.” The way he looked squarely at me when he said “the one” sent chills up my spine. He was nice though and threw me into the river first, presumably to give me a head start. As he ran toward the van to leave, I yelled from the swirling, deep water, “Can I have my tube now??!... Please?!?!”

Ten intrepid explorers  took to tubes on the Weber River for a little cool water fun on a hot July day. Little did we know that by the time 3 hours passed, we would each have fodder for introspective moments for years to come. None of us had ever been on this river before and only a handful had ever river-tubed before. When the van pulled into the drop off parking lot, the driver gave us two options to get in the river.
“This lower spot is called Peace, Love and Wimpiness Landing”, he told us in a demeaning and disgusted voice. I raised my hand high and told him I LIKED this spot. He ignored me and drove a couple of hundred yards past an ambulance, some guys in scuba gear holding heavy looking black bags and a couple of search and rescue vans with several red river tubes (just like ours!) strapped to the top and said with a definite upswing in his voice, “And this spot is just above the rapids called Mayhem, Death and Dismemberment. This is where you get in.”    
“What about the first choice…” I whimpered as he threw the tubes to the riverbank. He must have liked me cause he handed me a special life vest with the word “Expendable” on the back. Must be a local sports team.  Go Expendables!!

Some in our group were obviously more value-oriented than others. The trip was supposed to take 2 hours, but a few of us determined quickly that if we got caught in the bushes and tree branches along the sides of the river and aimed for the shallow rock beds, we could easily add another hour to our trip, obviously getting more for our money! Ben was especially adept at hitting the sand banks and shallow spots just right, especially in swift moving water that would not allow him to actually stand up and walk past the shallow section without being knocked down.  And Penny and Bobbi were sure they were in remote-controlled tubes and some deranged individual from the tubing company was purposely aiming them from the bushes on one side of the river and then to the trees on the other side!

We shared the river with rafters and kayakers who seemed to really enjoy the entertainment we provided for them.  One tuber, who asked to remain anonymous, got caught in some branches while a group of about 20 rafters watched from about 15 feet away. In impressive and graceful slow motion action, Bobbi, er… I mean the anonymous tuber, had the river catch her tangled tube and throw her upside down in a Weber River smackdown! She received a standing ovation for her show!

Bored with the path of least resistance, Penny decided to attack a log/rock jam head on rather than take the more common route around it. Recognizing a damsel in distress, Ben came to the rescue and found himself in trouble as well. Several of us floated by about that time and they yelled for us over the sound of the rushing water, but we were having a lot of fun and pretended not to hear them (My mind actually went back to a point/counterpoint scene in a favorite movie from long ago – “They rented the tubes… They knew what they were getting into… I say, let ‘em drown!!”).  Finally after some underwater heroics, Ben decided his tube and one of his flip flops was weighing him down so he set them free. Penny was jealous about the underwater games that Ben had been playing so she followed suit, but unlike Ben, opted for keeping her tube, though she threw Ben one of her flip flops as she floated away. So Ben headed off, looking for a ride back, wearing one size 14 men’s flip flop and one size 2 women’s flip flop…

I was smelling the sweet bbq aroma from a camp along the river bank when I almost crashed into Bobbi who was holding onto her tube and a log in strong swift rapids. I worked to get to the shore side of the log and pulled my tube out to help her out from the other side. As I was crossing some rocks, a big old frog hopped from near my feet. He was a beautiful green frog with light green and red lines and so I yelled at Bobbi, “Look at the frog!” She was about 8 feet from me and didn’t hear me over the noise of the rapids. I was about to yell it louder, but as I faced her direction, I could see the look of determination in her eyes as well as the secondary (but more important) look that said **what are you doing just standing there you slow motion huffyman idiot dude** from this person valiantly fighting to keep herself upright in chest deep fast moving and relentless water…  I made the decision to help Bobbi rather than continue to play with the frog. I think the decision was the right one, but I still miss my frog friend.

I was enjoying a calm stretch of river and figuring out ways to solve the global warming crisis with just a small sailboat and a couple of rolls of colored duct tape when I saw a small rapid coming up on the far side. It was just one rock making whitewater and I worked really hard to get in position to float over it. As I hit it, the tube caught the rock wrong and the water rushed over me and kind of rolled me sideways and after dunking my head in the water I was able to get the tube flipped up on the correct side again. The only rock in this section of the river and it almost threw me! As I looked around to make sure no one had seen my little exercise in ineptitude, a little girl sitting with her family on the shore held up a sign that read 3.5. Humpff!! At least her brother gave me a 5!

At the end of the journey, you have to stay RIGHT to get out at the right place. Presumably, if you missed it, you would end up somewhere in the Great Salt Lake. It is said that the brine shrimp feed off the remains of tubers who miss the exit point. So Braiden, the son of Kathy, decided it looked more interesting on the LEFT side of the river while his mom watched from the shore. As he thought about video games and food and ice cream (which is not technically a food, more of a life blood kinda thing) and brine shrimp feeding on his remains, he decided that in this case, the road less travelled was the WRONG one to be on.
“Mom!!!! Save me!!!!!”
Kathy, the loving mom, immediately went into action… “Hmmm, Braiden took a long time getting out of bed this morning and made us late to the tubing event… On the other hand, he is very helpful when it comes to making chocolate chip cookies…
“Moooooom!!!  Come get me!!!!”
With gusto, Kathy jumped in and swam to her son, pulling him from the grasp of the waiting brine shrimp. It was as dramatic a rescue as has been witnessed by mortal man…

After everyone safely returned, by water or by unequally sandalled feet, we stopped to eat in Morgan UT where various individual and group adventures were shared. We were entertained as Braiden asked questions of Ben like, “What was the funniest time that you flipped someone off?” Kathy could be seen rethinking her decision to pull her son to safety. Ben’s rules of communicating with women, with full imitations of the woman’s side, were enlightening and touching. We learned that innocent little Becky has not only shown the bird to other drivers in her day, but “hung it out the window!” which caused Kathy to drink soda down the wrong tube… And most of all we learned that the many individual adventure stories of the day turned into a wonderful shared adventure for 10 friends, all of whom had not known at least one person in the group before today. It was a great day for being alive!

Barefoot note: There may have been a little exaggeration or possible outright untruthnicity used in regards to the employees of Barefoot Tubing. In reality, the driver was extremely friendly and informative and the experience was awesome. The tubes were terrific and kept one off the rocks and I will use them again in the future. For the sake of clearing the air, we were indeed given a choice of two locations to let in – one below the rapids and one above. Julie was the one who insisted we go through the wild rapids and the rest of us just went along for fear of upsetting her! There, I said what no one else was willing to. J

Post barefootnote: The driver from Barefoot Tubing really did tell me that they do not recommend tubing while barefoot!